I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
