Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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