i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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