After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i think i have two assholes
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
