My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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