I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
