Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
