We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
