I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
