Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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