no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
