Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need a beard to bite.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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