composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
