I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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