Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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