you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
