I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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