come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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