I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
