Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
be right there i have to get my cape
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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