It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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