my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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