I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
