Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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