I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
