He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
