I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He did a backflip because drugs
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