hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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