I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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