dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Im part way to drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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