On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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