How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
