please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
