i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
