Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
