Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
