Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
