So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
