Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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