We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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