i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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