WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
