Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
