So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
