I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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