Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
