My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
