gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
