dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
