they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
