I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
