I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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