Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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