Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
