Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
