Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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