Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
as a side note pls kill me
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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